Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism that is worthy of a skewed version of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From the Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions for the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Editorial Writing

  • Douglas MacKinnon – The Hill

Look, we do not blame Douglas Mackinnon for this dormitory hallucinogenic-level crackpot theory to get Gavin Newsom into the White House. As a former Reagan and George Bush operative and current Never Trumper, he fits the mold of so many other derangement sufferers in declaring that the path to true conservatism is through getting Democrats into office. But we do blame The Hill for publishing his fever-dream hypothesis to get California’s fool’s-gold-en child into power.

Mackinnon proposes that Biden fire Kamala Harris, place Newsom into the vice presidential role, then soon after his resigning from the presidency, Gavin ascends to the throne of the party. Let us note that this hypocritical hypothesis to get Newsom anointed as the unelected leader takes place in the era when it is alleged that Republicans are the ones striving to undermine our democracy.

Distinguished Public Service

  • Tomi Lahren – Fox News Radio

Tomi Lahren is a bit of a polarizing figure, to be sure, but one thing we might be safely in agreement on is she could be seen as a questionable source for medical guidance. In a recent syndicated radio spot, Lahren delivered some illuminating information about a possible connection to Alzheimer’s, as a public service to her listeners.

– “A new study out of Australia suggests there is a link between digging for gold and late-onset Alzheimer’s disease! When studied on mice, it was shown the bacteria was able to travel up the nose and into the brain. Apparently, this nose to brain bacteria connection can be a catalyst for dementia or Alzheimer’s.”

So what is Ms. Lahren’s conclusion as a word of warning for all of us concerned with mice developing late-stage diminished mental faculties?

– “Now this phenomenon has not yet been studied in humans, but perhaps we should all be on the safe side and just not pick our noses?”

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

  • Leyland DeVito – Detroit Metro Times

All the evidence you need of the press industry believing they control the national narratives and that social media platforms belong to them has been completely laid out with the wailing seen over the purchase of Twitter by Elon Musk. His pledge to free up the freedom of expression on the platform has the media spinning out of control. Then his call to have blue check verified accounts charged $8 monthly to retain their badge of honor has been followed with even more wailing.

This editor at a Detroit paper had the perfect assessment of what the non-obligatory surcharge would mean. The interesting impact here is that, for the first time, we may have a journalist implying that a tax would be a negative thing to experience.

Distinguished International Reporting

The catastrophe that has splayed out across Afghanistan in the wake of Jose Biden’s disastrous US troops pull-out last year continues to play out, delivering hardships to the residents to this day. A recently announced ban has infuriated local business owners and customers, who say the Taliban is focusing on trivial issues while avoiding more pressing problems.

The country is beset with a human rights crisis, a drought, the spread of disease, hundreds of thousands have lost their jobs, and the country is ravaged by poverty. With these major issues looming it is baffling to many residents that the new leadership has decided to focus on another matter — forbidding the sale of animal testicles, a local delicacy. The head of the ministry’s department in Herat, Azizul Rahman Mohajer, said the decision was based on a decree issued by Islamic religious scholars who forbade the eating of animal testicles as a “prohibited abomination.”

Distinguished Local Reporting

  • Jack Hobbs – New York Post

The former media heroine Stormy Daniels has reported that when she was living in a home in the New Orleans area she experienced some very severe cases of spectral visitations. According to Daniels, the house started to “get aggressive” when she planned to move. While living there, hauntings took place on a regular basis, and she even claimed to have captured images of one creature.

Definitely one very, very dark non-human thing with these tentacles and that’s what I caught on camera,” said the former professional coital thespian. At press time it is not believed this was a visitation by Michael Avanatti, but we await word back from Ms. Daniels’ reps on the matter.

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

  • Emerald Pellot – Yahoo News

Chef-Book-Ardee? Classic Linguiniature? Whichever the case, it takes a severe dose of curiosity leavened with a glut of unoccupied scheduling to concoct this level of research. One man has delved into the pasta alphabet to determine the glossary value of a favorite kids’ dinner.

A computer program was created, and then the man began to tabulate the distribution of letters in cans of the popular canned meal. Next, he compiled the usage in a classic work of fiction and then plugged that data into his computer script. The result:

It takes 8,795 cans of SpaghettiOs to write the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That would come out to a cost of $12,225.05.

Distinguished National Reporting

  • Alex Mitchell – New York Post

Chalk this up to another product that is getting too expensive thanks to Biden’s inflation, this time it being mood-altering drugs. Sounds as if people are ingesting a locally sourced and renewable substance, as we are always being lectured to support.

A new announcement has come out from the National Parks Service – it is imploring visitors to our federal lands to refrain from licking toads in an effort to get high on the psychotropic effects of the defensive toxin secreted by the amphibians.